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There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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