im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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