Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
