its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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