I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
