he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
