I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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