Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
