I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
this just has baby written all over it
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
