I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
