Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
