This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
