What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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