is your mom at the bar?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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