You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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