I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Randomize
