Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
