What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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