I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
