Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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