i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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