yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
