true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
