I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
