when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
