the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
