Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
