Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
