I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Randomize
