it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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