i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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