How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
