Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
