I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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