captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Floor bacon is actually really good
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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