i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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