alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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