Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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