final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
