I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I have already put on my inside pants.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
