i need an iv and a liver transplant
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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