if you like me you must not know who I am
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
soo... how was my night?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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