My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
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