if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
