The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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