At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
