I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
