This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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