what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
