I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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