I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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