No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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